“Maybe this next year isn’t about ‘becoming’ anything,” writes Hazel Satija, “maybe instead it is about slowly unbecoming all the things which no longer align with you and settling peacefully into the arms of your authentic self.”
I love that part about “unbecoming all the things which no longer align . . .” as it’s not suggesting those “things” haven’t at some point in time been necessary or important with regards to some part of who you are, but that they no longer align with that deep down part of yourself. The sundry roles we play over time, and the circumstances surrounding them, are constantly changing. And often times the life we find ourselves in, is rather askew from the one we might have envisioned or dreamed. And perhaps it’s best to not pass judgment on all those things that got us off course as much, and instead turn our focus onto to the things that resonate most now, and doing whatever we can, in this moment, to navigate ourselves (our thoughts, our actions) closer to that.
Being Off Course
My last blog post was nearly 8 years ago (July 28th, 2018). Wow!!!
To say time has passed quickly would be an understatement. I wish I could say that I merely stepped away from blogging during that time, but truth is in some ways I stepped away from myself. Or, at least, a core part of myself.
But this new post signifies a change. An intentional effort to realign with that part of myself I have put on hold for far too long. Drifting off-course seems to be part of life, common with many if not most people from time to time. It’s certainly common for creatives. So this is not me bemoaning my divergence. It’s simply me acknowledging it and making a concerted effort to get back on track.
After years of focusing on just about everything except my own writing, I am finally, gradually, working my way back to the page. WooHooooo!!! In part thanks to a change in career status (we’re talking retirement, baby), time spent slowing down in a creative environment, reconnecting with fellow creatives, and the support of a few very special people.
While the whole “authentic self” phrase seems a bit overdone these days, I find it still captures one thing I have struggled with my entire life: giving myself permission to just be me and feeling that that is enough. It’s a subconscious default ingrained in the psyche through repeated trauma in my youth (good old middle school). And probably why I find myself drawn to writing books for that age group. To shining a light on the wonders of misfits. That’s the message my authentic self seems compelled to focus on (hence my feeling compelled to be at the page).
A Journey Back To Me
I recently spent three weeks reconnecting with some of my favorite people in two of my favorite creative places (New Harmony, Indiana and Louisville, Kentucky). Along the way, I finally started to feel more in alignment with myself.
Prior to that time, I wasn’t fully aware just how far out of alignment I had gotten. I knew it had been a while since I was consistently at the page, but I seem to have trained myself to avoid ascertaining just how far I had drifted from the shore of my dream of being a full-time writer. It took that trip, it took truly slowing down, spending time walking, and resting, and pondering, and settling back into my own bones, so to speak, to make me realize just how frenetic a pace I had been going at for so long. And just how far I had gotten off-course. I literally stopped myself on a walk around town, as I could tell how fast-paced I was going (as if I had learned to rush or to hurry to get done), and forced myself to slow my steps. To take in the homes, the gardens, the historic buildings, the scenery of every single block. I could feel the difference in every fiber of my being. And I did that same thing each day I was there.
New Harmony is a special place. A sacred place. Perhaps because it was founded (two times) as an attempt to create a utopian society. Perhaps it’s the combination of history and seclusion. Some say it’s because of lay lines and the belief that the “earth hums” with a special energy in these places. You can feel it the moment you step out of your car. The calmness and equanimity. And immersing myself in that was like wading into a pool of serenity and being infused with its restorative properties. I never realized just how much my body, mind, soul craved that very thing.
While in Louisville, I was surrounded by so many like-minded writers. The energy there is sort of the opposite of New Harmony, alive and crackling and exhilarating. Everyone shares the same passion. The conversations over dinner or drinks, the workshops and panels, everything centers around writing and the writer’s life.
That reset has inspired me. Maintaining it requires a conscious shift in my mindset (from non-stop go-go-go be productive, to slowing down) and has rekindled hope that my dream might be possible after all (you know, if I get past self-doubt and all that fun stuff common to creative pursuits).
Of course, this transition actually started back in January. Once I had decided to retire, I worked with a talented local artist to redesign my website. Gone are the elaborate templates that I first had on this site nearly twenty years ago (a different one for each section). There was a lot to overhaul, but we have simplified the website in sundry ways. And, in retrospect, I see now that I have been making an effort since retiring to simplify all aspects of my life. To slow down, savor the moment. The very thing I encouraged others to do for my job.
Changing Habits or Internal Rewiring
Most people who know me might not believe that I’m rather insecure. And, as a result, I tend to go way over and above what is expected in an attempt to make sure I cover all the bases. Some might also label that being a perfectionist. When I first started my career in tourism, I would create three versions of just about every writing project (blog posts, website content, even travel guides). My boss at the time used to remind me that I was a writer and to trust myself because she did. It took years before I finally started to do what she had suggested. But, eventually, I started to trust my first instinct. I’d still revise my first draft to tighten things, but I didn’t crank out those two or three alternative options of everything.
I loved my job, but I spent so much time and energy creating an abundance of content that I didn’t have any time and energy left over to devote to my own personal projects. And that was self-inflicted. It’s just how I’m wired (to go over and above). I fit some writing in here and there over the years, but without any consistency. And these last couple years that expansive discrepancy started weighing on me. Which did inspire the choice to stop working and get back to writing.
For years, I co-facilitated a page on FB with the intention of encouraging creatives to keep after their dreams, while ironically ignoring mine. I was recently reminded of one post I had made on that page over a decade ago:
“‘The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature.’ — Joseph Campbell
Slow down, listen to your heart, give yourself permission to align what you do with what you dream of doing. Even if it’s just for fifteen minutes a day. Allow your heartbeat to match the beat of the universe . . . keep after it, y’all.”
For a time, I was able to do those fifteen minutes a day. I was able to do what I encouraged other creatives to do. Until I wasn’t. And once you aren’t, it’s easy to get swept up in the current of not creating and you get further and further from the shore of that island that is your creative space. After time, you get so used to doing everything but your creative pursuit that you don’t even think about doing it. Maybe in the evening, after a long day, you remember and you think, “I need to get back to that.” But a new day arises and you’ve trained yourself so well to not do your own thing first that you simply slip back into everything else. You go on becoming all the things that don’t fully align with you. Maybe part of that is from trepidation. That voice in the old noggin whispering, “What if I’ve been away from it too long now? What if I’m not able to pull it off? What if I try and I’m not good enough?”
But, dare I say, “What if you are!?!”
I came across another post I had made to that group of creatives back in 2016:
“‘Set out from any point. They are all alike. They all lead to a point of departure.’ — Antonio Porchia (translated by W.S. Merwin)
Regardless of medium — whether you paint, draw, write, sculpt, sing, and so on — most of us have moments of pause, moments where we may feel stalled, if not stuck, moments when we’re just sort of floundering and find ourselves checking emails and FB posts as we procrastinate. First, we need to know that seems to just be part of the process. Second, rather than wait for things to align, we can leap from wherever we are to get back into the practice. If you’ve experienced a momentary lapse of late, don’t stress out if you don’t feel like you can just pick up where you left off without some resistance. Use that resistance as a jumping off point. Maybe you take a few days to work through that, but you’ll be practicing again, you’ll be doing the thing you love to do, and once you are doing that again, building some momentum, it gets easier to stop trying to think your way to the starting point and to just follow your instincts to where you need to be.”
I mentioned a decade ago, “we can leap from wherever we are to get back into the practice . . .” And use the tension or feelings of resistance as a prompt. Allow your character to experience a moment where she feels tension, or write a poem about tension, or explore tension in your own life. Relate that prompt to whatever you are working on even if only for practice. Once you open the door and are at the page, it’s easier to stay there, easier to open the door a bit wider each day.
Realignment
I have used the word align quite a bit here, and it seems apt, as I attempted to honor parts of myself and my dreams that I put aside. But I also reminded myself that every aspect of the creative life does not need to be “aligned” in order to start, or to restart. The most important part is starting for in order to be aligned you must have action, you must begin to the do (in some way, to some degree at least) the very thing you are aiming to align with. I used that recent three-week trip as my jumping off point. I became aware of the disconnect with myself. If you want to dance, you need to move your feet.
I have given myself permission, since returning home from my trip, to take time here and there to continue to slow down, to seek out or create down-time, to ponder, to identify next steps. Even being still and recharging is an action. A choice. Certainly not an easy one for someone who has a built in hyperdrive, but essential, I now understand, to allow myself to reconnect with that part of me I had pushed aside and ignored. Rather than feel guilt or shame for being away, I realize that was part of the journey. Often times, that pause or time away from the path can help shape what comes next.
The Creative Journey
There’s a new movie version of The Odyssey coming out with Matt Damon and I think, in part, that is a story of someone whose life got so off course, over and over again, that it took years to make his way back. In a way, Odysseus’s journey is a metaphor for the creative process. We have our own one-eyed monsters, our own maelstroms in life that to try to suck us down into the abyss. We have distractions (like sirens calling to us) and temptations to forget the goal (perhaps not in the form of Calypso or the lotus-eaters, but in the form of certain relationships, roles, or habits). And those are all part of the journey.
I’ve been blessed to have such an incredible group of people in my life who have never stopped encouraging me to do the thing I love. My family. My closest friends. Fellow creatives both from grad school and locally. Even former employers who understood how much writing meant to me while I continued to neglect my dream due to my working non-stop (which, as I said, was self-induced).
“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.” — Wes Angelozzi
That is also true with regards to loving ourselves which is harder to do, I would argue, but every bit as empowering. And it doesn’t say, love them only if they’re good at the thing they do. So loving oneself and being true to oneself and giving oneself permission to pursue one’s dreams, those are the things that matter. On my trip, I was reminded that while the end goal has always been to publish, the real goal (or the thing I need) is to be at the page writing. Giving myself a chance to create and, perhaps, publish down the road.
I am fortunate to have had a job I loved, to have worked with wonderful people, and to be retired (and permanently on vacation) with more chances to do the thing that I love to do. I have to admit, I am beyond excited by the possibilities. It feels rewarding (and a little terrifying) to be getting back to the one thing I am most passionate about doing.
Here and there over he past 20 years, I have completed first drafts for four novel manuscripts (well, one is closer to 70% completed). I have over a dozen picture book ideas (and a few PB manuscripts at various stages) and ideas for a few poetry books. So there’s an abundance of storytelling which I have kept sloshing around in the old noggin the past decade and longer, that I want to get after. Now is the time to dive deeply. To experiment, to play, to have at it, so to speak. To open my heart and my mind and see what comes of it.
I wanted to write this post if for no other reason than to proclaim, “I am getting back to keeping after it.” We’ll see how it goes, as I work to “unbecome” all the things which no longer align with myself and with my dream of writing. As I slow down with intention and strive to “settle peacefully into the arms of my authentic self.”
Keep after it, y’all. And stay groovy!